Beyond the Climb: Recognizing Burnout and Setting Healthy Boundaries
This is the 2nd of 4 posts this month related to burnout and how to take charge. In last week’s post, I covered what burnout is and what it is not. It can be found here.
One of the things that I see with clients is that they experience societal pressure to always “move up” on the wealth ladder. How this is done is mostly via taking on higher level positions at work. More people to manage. More scope of responsibilities. More meetings. More of everything, except for one thing…..
Boundaries.
Finding Your Purpose
When you’re starting something and you’re finding that you’re enthusiastic about it, it can feel as though you found your purpose. You want to spend more time doing it. You want to learn as much as possible about the topic. You want to become an expert in it. However you decide to become more skilled in the area can vary, but it requires more of a time investment.
Perhaps it is earlier in your career when you have less responsibilities outside of work. As with anything, people generally stick with something as long as the pros outweigh the cons. The trick is understanding when that seesaw shifts to the cons outweighing the pros.
Many factors can influence that seesaw. Your personal situation may change. You may decide that you want to stick to being an individual contributor vs. being a people manager. You have specific financial goals that dictate what kind of role you need to take to achieve that goal. You may receive an unexpected opportunity to pursue a stretch assignment. It could be more than one of these. OK, it generally is most of these, right? Especially for women over 40.
The one through line in all of this is that before you know it, you may feel like you’re heading towards a point of no return. You’re committed to this path. You’ve been public about it. What will people think? Or it didn’t work out as you had hoped for whatever reason. Are my friends and family going to think I’m a failure?
Metallica: “Nothing Else Matters”
I. CAN’T. STOP. NOW.
Let’s revisit some of the more common burnout symptoms, particularly for women in midlife:
“Quicksand Effect” - You’re trying so hard to get out of whatever hole you are in and you continue to sink further into the hole.
“Always in Zone 5” - You’re trying to function under so much stress for a sustained period of time that you have nothing in the tank when something else comes up for you to deal with. Complete emotional exhaustion.
“Body Begging You to be Nice to It” - Your body doesn’t come with a return policy and is telling you that through physical ailments such as headaches, GI issues, constant fatigue, etc.
“Going Through the Motions” - You’re functioning on auto-pilot going about your daily activities, both personal and professional.
“I Have Zero Fucks to Give” - You’re feeling isolated and lonely from your surroundings.
“Trust No One” - You don’t feel as though anyone is on your side or understands your perspective.
Then let’s throw in some situations generally encountered at this stage of your career such as toxic positivity, taking care of everyone else while neglecting your own health, gender stereotypes along with some microaggressions. I could go on and on with these day-to-day stressors for women in midlife.
Given the peer pressure to continuously progress upwards while dealing with these situations, it is no wonder why people end up in burnout. Ironically people who are so action-oriented end up almost sleepwalking their way into burnout. They follow the herd, which may work for the person they were following. But it certainly isn’t a guaranteed success strategy for you.
What if I told you that you had more control over the story ends?
I say this to a lot of my clients:
“You have more agency over your feelings than you think you do.”
They tend to respond with:
“You don’t understand. I have my parents needing me for this. My kids need me for that. I’m a single parent. Work is insane and I’m afraid I am going to lose my job.”
Both of the above statements can be true. You can be under a sustained amount of intense stress long enough for it to be unhealthy. You also have the ability to carve out some boundaries for yourself to keep you safe.
Yes, I used the word ‘safe’. Being safe isn’t only about physical safety. You also have psychological safety. Emotional security and psychological safety are like cousins—they’re related and have a lot in common, but they play different roles in our lives. Let’s break down how they differ in a way that's easy to get:
Emotional Security in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Think of emotional security as feeling safe and sound in your personal life - as in knowing your friends and family have your back, and there's a steady ground under your feet emotionally. You feel secure and stable in your personal relationships and environment. This sense of security is crucial because it gives you the confidence to tackle bigger challenges in life, whether it is trying something new, confronting a challenging problem or looking at a situation differently, which changes your perspective.
Psychological Safety
Psychological safety is more about how safe you feel in a group or at work, especially when it comes to speaking up. It’s about knowing you can throw out an idea, ask a question, or even make a mistake, and not be ridiculed or punished. This kind of safety is super important in workplaces or any team environment because it lets everyone feel okay about being open, which can lead to better creativity, innovation, and getting along with others. Think of this as freedom of expression, whereas toxic positivity is more around suppression of your emotions.
So taking into account all of the above, one of the first things I discuss with my clients is understanding how a lack of emotional security and/or psychological safety underlies burnout. A lack of safety is a core component of it.
When you focus on getting safe first and foremost, it unlocks the potential for you to leverage that agency that you have deep down to make the changes that you want to make. First you have to figure out where the burnout is coming from, including the non-obvious places.
I’ll get into more of that next week.